Help.

This morning Zoe woke up with post nasal drip. It could be nothing; it could be the onset of a cold.

If ever we needed some good vibes our way, now would be the time.

All manner of prayer, positive visualizations, circles cast, healing vibes, anti-infective thoughts are needed for her now.

Just know for her and for us that she is not only well, but thriving. See her recovering nicely this Thursday night from a surgery that was successful and expedient.

Thank you.
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Today we went to Seattle Children's for her first day of pre-op appointments. The clear plastic rain guard was a very effective bubble. Never have I been so aware of how public places, especially a children's hospital, are crawling with viruses this time of year. We washed and gelled our hands so many times they began to smart.

The appointments went along without incident; it was our unscheduled meeting with Dr. Cunningham that provided a point of interest.

Among the issues I brought up with him was the little exchange I have been having with Dr. Manley regarding the breastfeeding vs. weaning issue. While initially he was cautious about my wanting to go against Manley's wishes on the matter, he got that I was very serious about my position--and understood that it was not merely based on an emotional whim not to wean her yet.

He said that in matters such as these it would be best for a peer of Manley's, such as himself, to talk to him on the subject. Cunningham said that he would do some investigating into the matter himself, wanted to read the copies of the emails I sent Manley, and would do his best to get some different opinions on the matter. He assured me that his approach would not be to merely look for proof to back Manley up, but rather to investigate to entire issue.

He said that, ultimately, the decision would be ours. There would be no cutting her off from treatment if we were to go against Manley's wishes.

I really appreciate Dr. Cunningham--I always feel like he really listens and understands. I broke down into tears while I was vehemently stating all the factors that backed up my point of view. He wasn't dismissive of me as merely an emotional mother. He, in fact, said that he had mentioned us to a few different people (without disclosing any names) when discussing parents undergoing an astronomically stressful situation. We have very good reason to be distraught.

His position with me on the whole breastfeeding topic was that I shouldn't have to carry the burden of thinking that I needed to research all of this myself--that he would be happy to look into it for me, and find some answers. (Very kind--and, I'm still not relinquishing the reins on this one.)

He was astute and emotionally present enough to observe, gently, that my focusing on this was probably a way for me to --

I know, I know--I said--Feel like I have a modicum of control in a bigger, scary picture where I have none!

Not to discount the importance of the breastfeeding issue. But, it is a very easy channel through which I can shove all of my need to DO. SOMETHING. PROACTIVE.

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Zoe is asleep behind me. Her breathing is sometimes calm, sometimes labored. As she is a stomach sleeper it's difficult to know whether the stuffiness is due to sinuses naturally clogged by gravity from her position and how much is due to this phantom cold we are fearing.

I am being taught, over and over again, the lesson that worry accomplishes nothing.

I thrash about in my fear, but when I'm finally calm again and return to the place of stillness, of surrender, of knowing that this is all so much bigger than I, it's the closest I come to touching God in all this mess.