It's 11:15pm and we are hanging out in the ER.
After a two hour nap, Zoe woke up with blood soaked through her jammies. The area around the little disk on her chest (see pics on the last post) was covered with a pool of blood underneath the dressing and was leaking out rather determinedly.
We paged the on-call thoracic surgeon, and he agreed that we should go to the ER to have it looked at and dealt with.
So far, those who have looked at her agree that the bleeding is due to the combination of her low platelet count and the blood thinners she's on.
Her dressing has been changed and we are waiting for discharge.
When driving here we mused that this would likely be the first of many trips to the ER.
Transplant experience is usually never straight forward.
3 comments:
< < HUGS > >
It's trench time, Zenmama...and you've been well-prepared for what's ahead, even if it doesn't feel like it. You are surrounded by loving Resources.
I love your story of talking to the experts about stem cells vs. marrow, which gave you a new perspective that felt better and allowed you to have a bit more peace.
It is a great reminder that it's our unquestioned mind -- and the fantasy stories we tell ourselves -- that cause our fear and suffering, not the facts. Usually for me, the darn fears would come up around 3am, when they seemed particularly Big and Real and Scary. :)
Byron Katie has a method using 4 questions that helps me a lot. As an example, let's say the fear is about marrow. "Zoe's donor should give marrow."
Identify how that idea makes you feel...frustrated, furious, sad, mad at yourself for feeling all of the above, scared for Zoe, etc.
Then ask yourself, "Is that original statement -- Zoe's donor should give marrow -- true? Can I REALLY know that it's true?" You sorta did that already by talking to the experts, which helped a lot it sounds like. We allow all kinds of ideas to be REAL to us that are really "what if's", faulty perceptions, and negative projections.
Next you can ask -- "How would I be without the thought 'Zoe's donor should give marrow'?" Again, allow the answers and feelings to come to you..how would you be, feel, think without that thought?
Next see if you can find a way to turn it around. "Zoe's donor should not give marrow." or "Zoe's donor should give stem cells" or perhaps you will think of more ways to turn the statement/judgment around.
This is a meditation...there are no rules about the answers or how long it takes. Only ask the questions...questioning helps create some space when the crazy side of our mind gets all constricted. It's like we drain the invested energy out of the thoughts we believe, and the gift is that you get to be more sane, plus you have all that energy back for yourself...where it can be inspired, instead of in fight-or-flight.
And when all else fails me, I try to just be gentle.
Loving you.... :)
Laura
I just want to say that I love you guys and I pray for Zoe. Thank you for keeping us posted. As a fresh mom myself ( I have 5 month old girl) I admire you guys, good luck with everything.
Take care,
Beata.
I didn't realize that we could leave messages. Thank you for keeping us up to date. We are always thinking about you. Love you all. Let us know if you need anything.
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